'Help, I want my husband to earn more!'

Dear FQ Mom, 

I have been following you for a few years now. Thank you for the inspiration through your books articles, videos, and podcast. I am a mother of four children and my husband and I are both working. We have dreams of accumulating wealth as fast as we can while raising our children. However, these past few years, it has been tiring for me. Sometimes, I find myself exhausted and a bit frustrated, secretly wishing that my husband would exert more effort in pursuing our dream. Recently, it has become irritating and I find it hard to talk to him about this. Any thoughts on what I should do? 

– Tired Mom & Wife via email

Hi Tired Mom & Wife. I hope you are feeling more rested as you read my reply.

First of all, working full time while raising four children is really tiring, so there’s nothing wrong with what you are feeling. However, you should not allow that feeling to take over your noble duty of being what we call the “Ilaw ng Tahanan” in your family. It is not good for your children, your husband, and most especially, yourself. You also mentioned that you’re secretly wishing that your husband would exert more effort in pursuing your dream.

I wish to offer some points for you to ponder upon to help you in your predicament.

1. Your dream of accumulating wealth. It is good that you already have this dream together. May I ask how you came up with this dream? Is it a joint dream or is it something imposed on your husband? I hope you followed the Values-Based Goal Setting that I’ve discussed in past articles and videos. Search online if you haven’t and make sure that you are both on the same page on your family dreams and goals. 

2. Be aware of the stages in your life. When you say you dream of accumulating wealth while you raise your children, how much is this? At what points in your life should you have certain amounts? And most of all, for what? The Values-Based Goal Setting will help you with this. For all you know, the amount need not be that high for you to achieve the values-based goals that you have. Also, be aware of the phase of life you are in now. Your children’s growing up years and nurturing your marriage may be of higher priority right now. If having a loving family is among your core values, be careful not to sacrifice this in favor of accumulating wealth. My guiding principle is this: If what you do with and for money does not align with your core values, no amount of money in this world will make you happy.

3. Use RAS in your communication. When you talk to your husband, we make it clear at the onset what you need at the moment and this is an easy to remember guide:
R – Rant. Do you just need to rant? If so, tell him so he doesn’t have to be on a problem-solving mode and offer solutions right away, which may make you feel that he’s not validating your feelings at the moment. 
A – Advice. If advice is what you need, he needs to know so he can help you figure things out and work on a solution together.
S – Share. Sometimes you may just want to share and so he needs to be in an accepting mode so he avoids dousing cold water on your enthusiasm if you’re sharing a seemingly wonderful idea with him.

Of course, it is a two-way street. Agree on the RAS so that you also know how to respond to him. Is he just ranting? Does he need your advice? Is he just sharing an idea?

4. Know your personalities. I feel an impatience in your tone. It is possible that you have differences in personalities that make him act on your dream differently. He may be generally more chill than you are and that is why you’re getting impatient. Know each other’s love and work languages and styles so you can work better as a team. 

5. Are you in a rush? If so, maybe because of some fears. Lay them out. What are you afraid of? Are they really that bad? 

6. Are you comparing yourself too much with others? It is just normal to compare ourselves with others - especially with those in our age bracket and caliber. But overdoing it is not healthy for our sanity. Admittedly, it is a lot more difficult not to compare ourselves with others these days – what with all the social media posts that trigger the inggit factor in us. Before you turn into a green monster, it may be worth unfollowing some of those that trigger that feeling in you.

7. Worrying is useless! I had a video on this years ago discussing the uselessness of worrying (Click here). Of the things that we worry about, 85% doesn’t happen. Of the 15% that happen, 79% of which does not leave us worse off as some even bring improvements. So, if you add all these up (85% + 79% of 15% = 96.85%), you have 97% useless worrying! Let me frame it this way, if you are offered an investment with a 97% chance of losing, will you take it? If your answer is no, then why invest your time (and possible additional wrinkles) on this useless exercise of worrying?

8. Differentiate problems from givens. With that perspective on worrying, it is also important that you know if something is a problem or not. It is only a problem if you can still work on a solution. If it is not, then that’s a given that you don’t have to fret about and just have to know how to deal with it.

9. Are you earning more than your husband? If this is the case, is this bothering you? If so, why? I have discussed this in a few articles and it might be worth checking them out to really address the issue. (Click here to read.) If you think that he has a huge untapped earning potential, help him find his unfair advantage so he can use them to his earning advantage. Tell him about Ikigai (Click here to read.)

10. Have an FQ date with your spouse. After all of the above have been applied, ask your husband for a date to discuss your goals again, hopefully, this time in a more positive way. Pray together before you open the conversation, set your goals for the date and remember to have fun. Lovingly discuss how your husband can earn more to fulfill your joint dreams. Who knows, he might already be on track to earn more? Or maybe, after having done all the above, there’s really no need to panic and force him to earn more because you two are just doing fine?

In the end, money should be put in its rightful place. It is not the be-all and end-all. It is just a tool to help us fulfill our goals and values in life.

 ******************************

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This article is also published in FQMom.com.